Through her eyes, I am the world

Becoming pregnant in an already strained relationship, I was young and naive.  At 20, this was my first steady and serious relationship and as a result, the lack of communication and ongoing arguments about finances had caused a huge rupture.  I had grown up in a close knit family.  We had our fair share of struggles but had eventually came through the other side.  I had seen how a close relationship should work and of course I wanted this, too.

This was the reason why I had stuck around.  I believed in trust and trying to build a fondation of a happy family environment, but was continually disappointed with the lack of support and constant lies of an obviously disturbed partner.  For some reason, I had felt it was my duty to uncover the reason why he was the way he was...and try and change him.  That is when it happened, I had fallen pregnant and was in an unhealthy relationship that was going no where.  The truth is that you can't possibly change a person that doesn't want to change themselves. 

The pregnancy itself progressed as pregnancies do, with little regard to time or place.  I had severe morning sickness that lasted day and night and was triggered mostly by my unusually sensitive sense of smell.  As the pregnancy progressed, I began to wonder if things would be ok after all.  My previously unsupportive partner was becoming more sensitive and caring.  I was certain that we were having a girl, but the scans revealed nothing more than a healthy baby. 

The labour was hard, extremely hard.  The pain was awful.  But when I held my daughter in my arms, I never felt more love.  She was perfect, healthy and a good size.  The scales revealed her weight as nearly 10 pounds.  She looked so tiny to me.  As I began the tranisition to parent hood, I felt awful.  I loved my baby, more than anything, but was hit by a bad case of baby blues...made worse by the contiunal lies of a father that cared more about his games than about his baby.

We moved house, to the middle of no where as we tried to salvage what was left of our relationship as he worked long hours on a farm and came home angry and worse than ever.  I knew it was over when things hit breaking point and our daughter was involved.  It took a lot of guts, but I ended it and moved back in to town not long after, taking our 9mnth old baby.  I have never been so scared in my life.

I moved back in to town and a huge weight lifted off me.  I hadn't realized just how depressed I had been, away from my family and trying to find reason in a senseless relationship.  I felt happier and more confident in myself, but still struggled with the occasional pang of guilt about taking my child away from her father, not for him but for the child who would grow up without a father.

Of course she continued to grow and learn but I often wondered if she was losing something by not having the male role model of a father in her life. I had another relationship that ended as well and the guilt increased as my child lost another father figure in her life.  Her biological father visited, but sporadically and only for a few hours at a time, which in my opinion was best for her anyway.

When my daughter was two and a half, I sought work for the first time.  It had been so hard raising a child on beneficial support, but worth it to see my daughter grow.  But it was now time to introduce her to other children and for me to be out of the house and earning money for us.  It was hard to drop her off in the morning, but I worked in the same building as she was so thanked God I could still be near to her. 

I felt the stress as I also tried to study, work and spend quality time with my child.  It was heart wrenching yet I knew it was the right decision.  I never imagined being a solo mother could be so difficult.  There were times when I felt like crying but even then I was too exhausted and fell asleep, alone.  I desperately wanted a father for my child but had made enough mistakes to realize that this would be a slow process, if at all.

It took me a long time, to face my fears, to gather confidence in making decisions for my child and to learn to love myself again.  The depression of being in such a trying relationship had taken a huge knock to my usual confidence and had caused me to lose much hope of the future.  But as time progressed, my daughter lit the way and showed me I couldn't crumble because she needed me.  She didn't understand about relationships or guilt, she just wanted a mother who loved her and who wanted her.  I provided the warmth and love she sought and with a smile on my face, I saw that she prospered and became a beautiful toddler.

She is nearly 4 now and I know I have many trying years ahead of me, but we have tackled everything that has been thrown at us, including constant ear infections that kept us up half the night for a year and a half, while she stayed with her nana and I continued to work.  Finally they allowed her to get grommets and her adenoids removed, and her health improved dramatically but left us more than $2500 in the hole.

It has never been easy but I wouldn't take it back for the world.  I am thankful that I have taken her away from such an unhealthy environment.  I can understand the fears of leaving and the intense guilt and maybe I wouldn't have left and been here today if my child hadn't been brought in to the confrontation by her father.  Now I am strong and happy and my daughter will be starting school next year with an already glittering prospect as her studies at kindergarten have helped her reach her full potential.

Of course I still want to find her a father, but I won't be guilted in to it and I know I have made the right decision for my daughter.

So to all those people that insist I am a bad mother for being single (and there are a lot of you), I ask you to think higher of the single mother or parent as it takes strength beyond what you can even imagine to raise a child alone. 

Finally, to all those single parents out there, keep it up and remember that you are doing what is best for your child.  There will always be hard days but your child looks on you as their world...